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Here We Go Again

I was doing SO good. I felt like I had a hold on my depression, anxiety and self harm. I hadn’t had a break down/relapse since March or April, I actually was enjoying life and everything that came with it.
Then yesterday came and took it all away.
And today has been even worse.
Thursday night, I went to sleep at 10…..then I didn’t wake up until 9 am the next morning. Only reason I woke up that early was because I had an appointment to go to at 10.
I have been feeling increasingly more anxious, have no energy, am on the verge of tears constantly, and feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
Then today, I lost it. Over the tv not working.
I’m so frustrated because I KNOW I need medicine, but I react horribly to every antidepressant I’ve ever been prescribed. I guess it’s just how my body is wired and created. It sucks because my parents have been and are spending a lot of money to figure out WHAT exactly is causing my depression and anxiety.
Days like today & yesterday really make me question God and His “love” for me. Why did He wire me to where my body basically rejects antidepressants - medicines that are supposed to help me live a somewhat normal and happy life. Why does He keep allowing this to happen? What did I EVER do to deserve this hell on Earth?
I just want to give up. I just don’t even want to try anymore. Obviously, I’m cursed to live with this disease forever. I didn’t choose this and it isn’t fair. It’s not fair at all - not to me or anyone that’s close to me. I’m a ticking time bomb…..and I can’t stand the thought of hurting people anymore. I’ve done enough damage and can’t do it, I won’t do it.

I came here from Romania when I was 12 years old. I had an accent. High school was tough a little bit for a few years. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be good-looking. I wanted to be popular. I spent a lot of time thinking, “What are these people going to think of me?” but I think part of developing a strong sense of self is that you have to kind start to trust in yourself.  
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